Affectionate vs. cruel degradation - by Ruby Dice

May 2024 · 4 minute read

It's hard for me to believe now, but when I first took the BDSM test, I scored pretty much a zero for "degradee". I was picturing subs in gimp masks being made to eat food off the floor while being told with disgust how worthless they are. Not my thing! (Though you know, never say never...)

Thankfully, I've come to realize that there's much more to degradation, and in fact it accurately describes many of my core kinks... Now when I take the BDSM test I get 100% degradee 😳

To me, the key is to differentiate between cruel degradation (the stereotype I initially had in mind) and affectionate degradation (the kind that matches my kinks more closely). I’m not alone—there are countless posts on BDSM subreddits from people confused about whether or not they have a degradation kink because they like being called a dirty little slut but not a stupid fat pig.

I’ve sometimes heard people say that one kind of degradation is actually "humiliation", "objectification", or "dehumanization"—though they don't seem to agree on which is which. And anyway, I see these as tools that can be used to elicit feelings of both types of degradation depending on the context, or even as their own separate kinks, independent of degradation (for example, someone might find it humiliating to sing in front of a crowd, even if they are a good singer and the crowd loves them and it’s not at all degrading).

Another common approach is to claim that it’s a combination of a praise kink and a degradation kink (I'm told there's a whole TikTok community about this!), but I'm not sure that's quite right either. I enjoy praise, but it's not essential to making my degradation kink work. For me the important aspect is an underlying sense of affection. Yes, I want to feel owned, like an object, a toy, something to be used... But more like a treasured possession than a worthless piece of shit.

It's particularly fascinating to me that the kind of degradation I prefer—affectionate degradation—seems to be a much more common kink than the other kind, yet it's the crueler kind that people generally think of when they hear "degradation".

Of course, it's a spectrum, and certainly there are some terms or activities that can be used in both affectionate and cruel ways, depending on the context, delivery, and intention. Your preferred position on the spectrum might change over time, or with different partners. With people I don't know very well, I would definitely stick to the affectionate end. With partners I trust deeply, I'm open to experimenting with the crueler side. Ultimately, both forms of degradation involve feeling "less than human" in some sense, and having your rights, agency, and dignity stripped away.

While the vibe of a scene will depend on many—often intangible— things, and there isn't a clear boundary between the two types of degradation I'm describing, I've tried below to give a sense of which terms, feelings, and activities might produce more of an affectionate vibe, and which crueler. Hopefully some people might find this useful for negotiating the type of scene they want!

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