Summer is on its way, which is always a sad time for yours truly. Why, you ask?

First of all, I look bad in shorts! I am a warm winter girlie (aesthetically, not color-season. Palette-wise I think I am an autumn). In my ideal world, it is always sweater-and-jeans weather.

And secondly, once again my annual campaign to be a pride ambassador for the Marshalls/TJ Maxx/HomeGoods corporate family is met with silence.

“Marshalls?” you might say. “You could do better, you gorgeous angel who looks proportionate and normal in shorts.”

And that’s sweet of you, but here is the thing. I know myself. I am not a big enough deal to be a brand ambassador for an H&M or a Calvin Klein. I don’t even think I could swing a Big Bud Press. Baggu… maybe, given our history. But they have options.

Marshalls, however, feels attainable. So every year, I tweet at them, asking kindly if they will let me be the face of their pride campaign, and every year I find myself on Pride Weekend without a single free package of ill-fitting clothing on my doorstep.

This year, I realized that I’m going at it all wrong. I don’t have connections at Marshalls. I don’t really know the average queer Marshalls customer. Yes, it is where I purchased my gay rat teacher pride shirt, but am I actually the target audience? Would I bring in customers?

I decided to pivot this year and think realistically about what I, Johnny LaZebnik, bring to the table for a pride collaboration. Here’s what I came up with:

• Nepo baby

• Decent head for marketing

• Decent head of hair (for the next year or two at least)

• Decent head (or so they tell me)

• Encyclopedic knowledge of popular television show The Simpsons

So with that knowledge, I decided to pivot away from my Maxxinista Dreams (which is what I would name my signature fragrance), and towards America’s favorite family.

Despite the many, many Simpsons merch campaigns, and dozens of homofriendly episodes of the show, I don’t thinkkkk they’ve ever done a pride collection! So here’s me throwing my hat in the ring as head designer before someone in the future inevitably does a bad job of it. I’m even sending this out in March so we’ll have time to hammer out the contract.

Author’s note: You will soon find out why I’m a writer and not a graphic designer. These were mostly made in Preview and Microsoft Word.

Another note #2: If you saw the tiktok I made about this… no you didn’t! I never recycle material from platform to platform. Don’t make me tap the sign.

Starting out simple! The people need “I’m Gay for Moleman” merch. Some does actually exist (below is an example I found on Etsy) but I’m pretty sure it’s unauthorized. So let’s authorize this shit! #GetHansMolemanInTarget

Moving on. Baggu recently made an INCREDIBLE collection of Simpsons merch, and I own several of them. They look like this:

I was thinking about how the show loves to dress Bart up in drag for throwaway jokes, and thought… what if Baggu but gay(er)? So here’s my Fruity Bart Bag:

All queer people know that 90% of pride merch is purchased by well-intentioned parents of gays, not the gays themselves. So I made sure to prioritize the allies in this collection, and am proud to debut this long-sleeve, which depicts an old lady giving an “it’s okay!” hand gesture while sitting next to some kissing gays.

In a scene from Treehouse of Horror III, Homer runs by the Bouvier sisters butt-naked, prompting Patty to deliver this iconic line:

This episode came out in 1992, and this line was definitely intended as a throwaway joke, but they actually stuck with it, and Patty is canonically gay to this day! We love!!

I put this image on an oversized baggy tee. I think this would be a big hit with the Renee Rapp community. (Though it would also be cute on a Stanley.)

Obviously, I’m not going to make pride merch without my main girl, Smithers. Soooo many options here. However, I’m gonna avoid all the obvious Smithers references (feels like low-hanging fruit, so to speak), and focus on more niche moments.

Let’s start off with a wall poster: a playbill for Smithers’ passion project, Malibu Stacy: The Musical. I have full confidence based off the one number they show in the episode that this musical was more watchable than Mean Girls: The Musical, and I think it deserves to be immortalized in the bedrooms of gay teens across the globe.

This is one of my all-time favorite Smithers moments, and not just because it appeared in the first episode of the show written by my dad. (Yay, Rob! #Rob)

Many of you may have missed the Simpsons x Balenciaga runway show that dropped two years ago, and featured Smithers in the c*ntiest red dress you’ve ever seen. Put that shit on a phone case and that’s my phone case… period.

Another favorite Smithers moment is when he sings a cover of “Whip It” while wearing assless chaps. Simply begggging to be on a fringed denim jacket:

An immediate buy for anyone in the Venn diagram overlap of Simpsons fan and Renaissance-tour-goer.

(If you’re still reading the copy, I love you.)

Let’s move now to the famous “Homer’s Phobia” episode, guest-starring John Waters. Soooo much to pull from here (could devise an entire line of merch just from references in that episode, truly) but I focused on two moments.

First off, the iconic panel that appears at the end of the episode is made to be a tote.

This one tote is absolutely geared towards the Brooklyn gays. Keep reaching for that Devoción latte!

Sometimes a piece of merch delivers itself fully formed to you, and all you have to say is yes. That’s the case for the Pin Pals shirt that John Waters’ character wears.

In this scene, he explains what “camp” is to Homer, while wearing Homer’s old bowling shirt. I love this as a pride pick because I think the hype-beast straight boy community would buy it in a heartbeat, assuming it’s a chic reference to S7E12, “Team Homer.” Whereas for the gays, it immediately conjures S8E15. Mwahahaha.

(As a sidenote, I thought this would have been the perrrrrfect lewk for a man to wear to the 2019 Met Gala. Like, such an easy and classy way to nail the theme. But no one ever asks me!)

I think about this Mara Wilson tweet all the time, which absolutely read me to filth. In an effort to love myself, I’m putting femme legend Martin Prince on a tee shirt.

The original still is also from Treehouse of Horror III, in which Martin declares “I am Calliope, the muse of heroic poetry!” and Nelson replies, “No kidding.” This is the dynamic of so many queer couples (of every gender) and so I designed couples tees:

This is another one that I think the str8s would buy - they’d nab the Nelson tee as a solo piece in a heartbeat. And I would let them do it (but the tag with the wash instructions would be rainbow).

Now we get to the Flanderses. “But Johnny,” you would be thinking, if anyone were still reading this post, “No one in the Flanders family is gay.”

That’s where you’re wrong! In S11E17, “Bart to the Future,” we get a quick glimpse of future Rod and Todd, who are outside hard at work refinishing what appears to be an art deco vanity (sooo gay of me to know that). The joke is that Ned doesn’t realize they are cleeeearllly fruity of the face and anus. Slay… a perfect workout tank.

One of my favorite “I cannot believe they got away with that” bits is Ned’s monster dong. In S11E10, (the episode where Maude dies!) Homer makes Ned a dating tape, which includes a voyeuristic shot of Ned showering.

It’s a little bit up for debate whether the (incredibly ripped) Ned has a foot-long dong, or if Homer over-blurred it to make it seem huge. I prefer the narrative suggesting that Ned is hung-diddily-ung. That he has a Bye-Maude-Tripod. A Holy Trinity (horse cock, balls, and mustache). Okay, I’m done.

Either way, I claim this one for the gays. And since it’s on a tv screen in the episode, I think a mug frames it nicely.

Ending strong with two niche accessories:

Lastly (and I’m aware there’s no way anyone is still reading this, hence the Ned wordplay), we gotta have a Lenny and Carl item. Like Smithers, there are so many options here, but one bit of lore I love is that Lenny spent “one wonderful summer” carving Carl’s likeness into a mountain. This fan art I found on twitter really stuck with me:

…and I thought it would be a perfect hoodie. It’s just so cozy and romantic.

Anyway, this list turned out a lot longer than I expected it to (and I omitted so many iconic references). If you’re concerned for me and the amount of time I have on my hands, thank you, and please pass along my resume to anyone you may know who is staffing. For everyone’s sake. I mean, christ.

Though who knows? Maybe this is the year someone listens to me.

Spiritually in a HomeGoods,

Johnny

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