I was commissioned to write this piece by a VERY exciting, prestigious and high profile UK publication. JUST as I was about to start writing, they pulled it (for space reasons). Aside from a little bit of heartbreak over the piece being dropped, I was also left with lots of research and a great, juicy topic, and nowhere for it to go.
The Outfluencer is meant to be akin to a women’s magazine experience online, so I decided to write and publish it here. This is the result – I really hope you enjoy reading it. Lots of work went into it. I’d love to chat to as many of you as possible in the comment section, so don’t be afraid to say hello and leave your thoughts. I’m also making this week’s post public, but only paid subscribers can comment.
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“When we fall in love
We’re just falling
In love with ourselves
We’re spiralling”
- From Spiralling by Keane
That’s one of my all-time favourite songs, and that particular lyric always stood out to me. It always made me think. It made me realise that for many people, emotional infidelity almost certainly stems from a want to be seen as new, fresh, exciting and fascinating by someone else. To fall in love with ourselves again through the eyes of someone else.
You know those early days of a new relationship or dating experience, when the person is finding out everything about us and thinking wow. That feeling is intoxicating. And it doesn’t travel with us down the path of a long-term relationship, because once we’re in one, our shine dulls to the other person somewhat. That’s inevitable, and not a bad thing. But in some cases, emotional infidelity can be the result.
Some of the most enjoyable and captivating conversations I’ve ever had with people have been when they’re finding out about me afresh. There’s something intoxicating about seeing yourself through someone else’s eyes, and them finding you exciting or attractive or fascinating. I remember when I first got back with my now husband – eight years since we’d last dated.
A lot of time had passed. We had to get to know each other again and it was incredible. I fell back in love, of course, but I also found I loved myself a little more in the process.
Having spoken to several experts on the subject, I am certain my theory – inspired by that Keane song – holds up.
The first person I spoke to was women’s counsellor Georgina Sturmer (MBACP). She says the want to be ‘seen’ and for someone to find you enchanting is hormonal (of course it is), but it’s also simply a human characteristic we all share.
“When we flirt, or feel excited and attractive, we experience a release of dopamine and serotonin. This makes us feel good. But there’s also a deeper link with our own self-esteem. Emotional connection, and positive, affirming feedback from other people makes us feel human. It makes us feel desirable and attractive. This can help us to feel more confident and comfortable in our own skin,” she says.
It’s almost like an extension of that thing where you’re at a party, and the person who asks you the most questions about yourself is the person you leave the party obsessed with, platonically or otherwise. You’re spellbound by them – not because you think *they* are amazing or the things they said about themselves are fascinating, but because they showed unusual interest in you, your dreams, your fears, your motivations, whatever.
There was actually an experiment conducted where a woman was sent into a social gathering and was instructed not to tell anyone anything about herself apart from her name. At the end, people at the party were asked if they remember her: Every person at the party was like “Wow, we love Mary, she’s fascinating, she’s so interesting” and so on. Paraphrasing heavily here. So even though no one knew one single thing about her, because she showed inordinate levels of interest in the other attendees, they all left thinking she was brilliant.
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A similar study, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology and authored by Karen Huang, said “people who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners. When people are instructed to ask more questions, they are perceived as higher in responsiveness, an interpersonal construct that captures listening, understanding, validation, and care”.
All this to say: When we develop a fondness for someone, a lot of the time it’s because they’re facilitating the building or rebuilding of love for ourselves. They’re reflecting back on us the things we like about ourselves. Especially now, when we’re all up to 90 trying to compare ourselves to others online, to look good, to achieve, to succeed, feeling like someone finds us brand new and shiny and fantastic sounds almost like a drug-induced high.
Dr Becky Spelman, psychologist and founder of the Private Therapy Clinic, says that while one of the main causes of emotional cheating is a lack of emotional fulfilment within a relationship, another cause is “seeking validation and attention from someone outside the relationship” because they feel unappreciated.
“Emotional cheating can definitely be driven by a desire to feel new and exciting. It provides an opportunity to experience the thrill of being desired and appreciated by someone else, which can rekindle feelings of self-worth and validation that may have diminished in the current relationship,” she told me.
“The urge for an external emotional connection in a long-term relationship can signify an underlying dissatisfaction or unmet needs within the current relationship. Rather than emotionally cheating, it is always best to use this feeling as a wake-up call, and to address and strengthen the current relationship instead,” she says.
I also spoke to Kimberly Anderson, an international dating expert based in Paris, who actually phrased the entire concept better than I ever could:
“Emotional cheating may arise when someone feels unappreciated or invisible within their romantic partnership and seeks out someone who compliments them, engages in meaningful conversations, and makes them feel valued and seen.
“The thrill of being seen as novel and attractive through a new person's gaze can be a powerful force, serving as a mirror in which they rediscover forgotten aspects of themselves, reliving the excitement of new affection,” says Anderson.
Interestingly, Anderson says that it’s not “inherently detrimental” to look for emotional fulfillment externally, but that it’s a complex issue: “It often depends on the nature and boundaries of those external connections. Societally, platonic friendships, particularly with same-sex friends, are generally seen as non-threatening. However, irrespective of the friend's gender, when substantial emotional fulfilment is consistently sought elsewhere, it usually points to an area of unfulfillment within the romantic partnership that likely needs addressing.”
For a male perspective on things, I spoke to John Kenny, aka The Relationship Guy (and Relationship Coach of the Year 2022 in the UK), who told me that “the whole ‘new and exciting’ thing is a bit immature in its approach, as new and exciting is also surface and temporary. It could be about self validation, and getting someone to emotionally see them makes them feel worthy of love and attention.
I asked him to help readers who might feel that urge to cheat on an emotional level refocus their attention into their relationship to make it work, if that's what they want. And by the way, there’s no judgement here if that’s something you’ve done or thought about – there’s never judgement here.
He told me: “Communication is always going to be key here, but firstly some self awareness of what is actually missing for them. Why do they need it, is it something within them or their relationship that is missing? Then to communicate your thoughts/feelings to your partner, see if they are on the same page or can empathise with how you feel. Work on a strategy together on how to improve the connections and how they can support you if this is more of a you issue than an us issue. If your head has been turned already, what is it that you believe this other person is offering you and speak to your partner about how they can meet this need in you and within your relationship instead.
Georgina Sturmer, the women’s counsellor I spoke to above, also told me that loneliness is something that she’s seeing as a reason people seek out an emotional intimacy outside their relationships.
“When we think about cheating and infidelity, we often think about physical acts of intimacy. But ‘emotional cheating’ can be just as insidious to our relationships. Why do we cheat emotionally? Maybe we have never really felt fully connected with our partner, or perhaps things have drifted apart over time,” she says.
“Also, we are regularly bombarded by words, images and videos depicting the perfect relationship, the perfect partner. This endless scroll of perfection can lead us feeling dissatisfied with our own relationships and perhaps seeking something better that might be just around the corner. Loneliness has also increasingly become a feature of our everyday lives, as we work remotely and connect digitally. It can leave us craving the everyday social interactions that offer us connection and the opportunity to feel good about ourselves. This can drive some of us to seek new ways for emotional connection. The rise of technology has also made it easier for us to connect with other people in secret,” says Sturmer.
I asked Sturmer the same question I put to John Kenny, because from polls I’ve taken on Instagram, it seems like there are plenty of people considering doing these things, or who have done it and are now regretful and looking to put the spotlight back on their relationship, and wondering how to go about it.
She said: “Remember that relationships require continual investment of time and energy, on both sides. If you’re not being seen by your partner, think about how you communicate your needs with them. We sometimes expect or hope for our partner to read our minds. Especially if we’ve been together for a while.”
“Try role model behaviour. Role-modelling sounds like something awkward that we do at a job interview. But it can be useful in life if we feel as if our needs aren’t being met. How would you like your partner to behave with you? Can you instigate this behaviour, and show them the kind of attention or behaviour that you’d like to receive? Maybe you are feeling disconnected from your partner. But perhaps you’re feeling tempted to sabotage things for yourself, and there’s something deeper happening for you. Maybe you are tempted to cheat because you have a deeper need for attention or affection. And maybe this isn’t because your current relationship isn’t working out, but perhaps it’s because of the way that you feel about yourself?” she says.
That last question from Sturmer is a key one, I think: Maybe your current relationship is going great, but how you feel about yourself isn’t? And that brings me neatly back to the Keane lyric: If you want to fall back in love with yourself, emotional cheating can seem like it’s going to fill that void, but the experts make it clear: It is not the healthiest way to go about it. Far from it.
I have no bullet-point list of actionables to teach you how to fall back in love with yourself, unfortunately. But I do know this: I’ve never found validation – real, true self worth and self belief and self confidence – from anywhere but within myself.
The happiest times I’ve had were when I was putting time and effort and care and empathy back into myself, whether that was alongside a long-term relationship or not. It’s a total cliché, but it’s there for a reason: Happiness is intrinsic, self-contained and very much a choice.
Let’s chat in the comments?
A.
(Main image by Nick Fewings on Unsplash)
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