Let’s talk about Christmas movies.
No, I don’t want to legislate the DIE HARD question again; I’ve done it countless times on social media and in real life, I did it on my blog a few years ago, hell, I even did it in my best man toast at my brother’s wedding. If the best action movie ever floats your holiday movie boat, then yippie ki-yay to you!
I also don’t want to talk about the Hallmark Channel/Lifetime Channel incarnation of Christmas movies, most of which are just shitty romantic comedies in shepherd’s clothing. I’ve seen more of these than I’d care to admit – thanks for nothing, Mom and Buried! – and every joke has already been made about them: they’re all the same, who actually thinks NYC looks like that?, how is Lacey Chabert an adult?!, who actually has Christmas house wtf?, where was that small-town hunk on January 6th?, etc. etc. etc.
And I definitely don’t want to talk about LOVE ACTUALLY, which uses pleasant vibes and a stellar cast to hide some truly reprehensible behavior and retrograde attitudes towards women and sex and airport security. For me it’s been relegated to a hate watch, and every time I watch it I find something new to hate!
For example: Why on earth do you put Claudia Schiffer in the movie - after Liam Neeson specifically references her - and then not have her play herself? Are you worried about being realistic? A kid races past airport security in a post-9/11 world and doesn’t get tazed and/or shot. An incel with permanent duckface goes to a dive bar in the middle of Wisconsin and has a foursome with three supermodels. Everyone keeps calling that gorgeous woman fat, and the Prime Minister of England starts an international incident because the President of the United States got to sexually harass his employee before he did. “Realistic” left town with the opening titles.
Speaking of bad movies, there hasn’t been a good new Christmas movie in a while. The two most recent flicks on my list are from the early aughts—it’s been about 20 years since we’ve gotten one worthy of the yearly seasonal watch, and trust me, we keep looking. I just saw VIOLENT NIGHT, with the always likeable David Harbour and an insane level of violence and gore (almost as much as HOME ALONE 2), but I’ll never watch it again, and we re-watched Netflix’s CHRISTMAS CHRONICLES, which actually isn’t bad—it helps to have Kurt Russell as your Santa. Maybe you love KLAUS KRAMPUS or THE NIGHT BEFORE, but none of those have really caught on; there just aren’t many contenders!
So most of us stick with the tried-and-true.
As I mentioned above, we are running out of nights to watch the actual classics we love, but without much time left, we may need to get selective. So I decided to come up with my shortlist. There are only 8, because while there are a ton of Christmas movies, there really aren’t that many good ones.
Here goes—IN NO ORDER:
DIE HARD: deal with it
IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE: arguably even less of a Christmas movie than DIE HARD but, like DIE HARD, an inarguably great film
BAD SANTA: one of my favorite comedies, full stop; the scene where Billy Bob drives the kid home gets me every single time
ELF: 6-10 classic moments; I still feel like James Caan is miscast
NATIONAL LAMPOON’S CHRISTMAS VACATION: not perfect but the good parts are great
HOME ALONE: fun every single time (Home Alone 2 much less so, IMO)
MIRACLE ON 34th STREET: maybe the most traditionally Christmassy Christmas movie of them all; makes the list for the Dutch girl scene alone
The Rudolph TV special: pure nostalgia, and good songs! But fuck dentists, amirite?
Didn’t make the cut:
A CHRISTMAS STORY (loved it as a kid but I don’t think I’ve laughed once the last ten times I’ve watched it - and don’t even mention the legacyquel that came out last year🤮 ), SCROOGED (enjoyable but I always want it to be better/funnier than it is), THE SANTA CLAUSE (has its charms but feels like a TV movie and ew Tim Allen), A NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS (Halloween movie), a variety of Christmas-as-a-backdrop action movies an comedies like KISS KISS BANG BANG, LETHAL WEAPON, TRADING PLACES, etc., absolute nonsense like THE FAMILY STONE, and the headache-inducing live-action GRINCH, or the old school classics like MEET ME IN ST. LOUIS or WHITE CHRISTMAS (I’ve never seen them!).
Did I not mention and/or besmirch one of your favorites? Feel free to fight me in the comments or my inbox.
1) It takes place on Christmas Eve
2) John McClane is only at Nakatomi Plaza to attend his wife’s company’s festive Christmas party
3) Christmas-based items play an important role throughout the movie: a Santa costume features in a key scene (along with his “ho ho ho” catchphrase), John uses Christmas-themed gift tape to hide his gun at the end, etc.
4) Christmas music is playing throughout the movie: “Winter Wonderland” is on the soundtrack, Argyle blasts “Christmas in Hollis,” and Al actually sings “Let It Snow”
5) Ellis LOVES snow 😁
6) McClane’s wife is named Holly
7) The movie ends with “Let It Snow” playing over the credits as snow(and/or debris) falls
CASE CLOSED!
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